Monday, August 22, 2005

To Lighten the Mood...

After an odd couple of weeks at work, I thought I would write about something that has been on my mind for a while. I’m not going to lie, the following post isn’t meant to be read by everyone… only those with an interest in office strategies. I’m not talking about career strategies… I’m talking about the strategies you use in everyday office life. This post is about using the office bathroom.
Your first week on the job, you will find a stall in the bathroom that you prefer over the others. Yours might be the handicap stall; I’m not a fan, the toilet paper is usually in an awkward position… or just a long ways away. I personally like having the TP on my left hand side, and that is usually the tie breaker between equally clean stalls. Of course, a well-flushed and cleaned stall is the most pivotal thing.
Now, you’ve got your stall picked out. What next? Getting the timing right. If you go into the restroom… you want to make sure that stall is going to be available. Why? Because it looks weird when you walk into a bathroom then walk right back out. So, if someone is in your stall… you’ve just be subjugated to an inferior stall. As with almost anything, timing is everything. Avoid the morning rush. Everybody uses the bathroom first thing when they get to work. I mean, why would you use the bathroom at home when you could use the bathroom at work, and get paid for it? You’re going to avoid that pitfall though. Wait until at least 9:30AM, but 10AM is probably your safest bet. You also have to avoid the post-break rush too. So, give an hour or two after lunch to use the bathroom… I usually wait until about 2PM.
What if your stall is occupied? Here a few tips for picking a backup:
  1. Always leave an unoccupied stall between you and whoever is else in there
  2. Avoid choosing a stall that has a mirror on the opposite wall.
  3. Avoid the stall closest to the door, people will assume the stench is yours
  4. Check for TP.
What if your floor is big enough to have multiple bathrooms? This can be a hard decision, but I’ve found a very good way to decide which to use. Go to the one furthest away from the engineers. Engineers never change. They were the gross ones in college, and they’re still the gross ones as they approach retirement age.
And, if you’re really going to ‘let one fly’… go to a different floor where no one will recognize you.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nice!

Becki-face said...

you're former premise is entirely partial to the male population...and really only applicable to the male popluation...the struggles of a male hardly start to compare to the trials of a female's bathroom experience...wanna know why? That's right. I thought not. tee hee. p.s. I love that the first time i visit your site in a good six months is the time that a direct link to my bull-riding adventures is awesomely available to the right... mmm! love those asians! miss you friend...

Anonymous said...

I love the 7th lvl bathrooms. They are all plated in gold.

-Ron

Max Kingsbury said...

Hilarious article. I rue the day that I move from talking about college politics to talking about office poilitics. *shudder* Not all engineers are slobs. Hook me up with an internship.

Anonymous said...

Wow this is funny. I too have a favorite stall, and I get mad if someone is using it. I feel like they're invading my privacy. I know it is a public restroom, but I think of my stall as my little haven. No..just kidding, but we do have a tendency to always go to that one stall. Interesting statistic, did you know that people tend to skip the first stall? Kinda wonder if the first stall is "cleaner" than the other ones.

Adam said...

haha... that is awesome! I'm going to semi-pay attention to that now. How much cleaner would it have to be to make it desirable enough to want to be the stink-creator?

Dan said...

Adam Phillabaum for president!

Anonymous said...

I find the idea of body functions close to my co workers difficult. I found a second floor stall that was usually private, but the worst is trying to leave before you see youe co worker, CEO , best friend, pulling on their pants after, lets be real, SHITTING ten inches away fom you.

Its enough to make me give up health insurance and 401 K